


Letters to My Dead Brother

by swrites



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Incest, Letters, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:42:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21541504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swrites/pseuds/swrites
Summary: Zoe isn't coping with Connor's death well. So her therapist suggests writing letters to Connor as a way to process her emotions..... she's got a lot of shit to work out. Also, she might be in love with her brother.(I might write more letters but for now this is a standalone.)
Relationships: (IMPLIED), (background), Connor Murphy/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Letters to My Dead Brother

Dear Connor Murphy, 

I don’t really know what to say. I never really know what to say to you at any given moment, but what else is new? Mom and Dad made me agree to go to therapy for the next couple of months and we talked about you, and how I’m coping. How am I supposed to cope when I don’t even know how to feel about you, or any of this? So she suggested writing letters to you, to find a way to work everything out on paper. Ironic, huh? 

Well I guess one place to start is Evan. Your “best friend.” Your boyfriend. I hate him. 

Ugh. I can’t even say that without feeling guilty, because it isn’t even  _ true. _ I don’t hate him at all. He’s kind of impossible to hate, in a really infuriating way. He’s actually… really sweet. He said some things about you, about the way you feel about me, and I just don’t even know what to think. Is any of it even true? Is any of it real, all those letters? I don’t know what’s worse honestly, the idea that they’re real, or the idea that they’re  _ not.  _ I know mom believes him, and I think Dad’s just too tired to disagree at this point, but I just. Don’t understand. I just don’t understand, Connor. Why? I know you were sick, but I just don’t understand why you would keep all of that inside, how you could feel one way but act so completely different. I don’t hate Evan, I just am so angry. At mom for being so desperate to believe this hidden soft side of you, at dad for being too tired to be a dad or a husband for that matter, at you for being dead, at those fucking letters for existing, at Evan for being closer to you than I ever was. At my fucking therapist for making me write these stupid letters to someone who isn’t even here to read them. At myself, for everything. Mostly at myself.

How did this happen? When did we drift away so completely? Why did you stop confiding in me? What did I do wrong? I understand not telling our parents but I thought out of anyone you could tell me. I know you.. forget me sometimes, but you don’t always. I just don’t understand why you felt like you had to keep all of this hidden and private, even from me. 

How am I supposed to reconcile the brother that I remember with the stranger in these letters? I haven’t seen you smile in years. I used to be the one sure thing that could make you smile, but even that stopped. Was that when you met Evan? Did you give him your smiles instead? Were there only enough of them for one person? Why does that piss me off so fucking much? Why did you feel like only one person could be your happiness? Why couldn’t I at least be able to see it? Why does Evan get your soft smiles and your kisses and your laughter, but I get fists on my bedroom door, angry panicked screaming and flinching and choked back tears and begging you to stop, to see me again, to remember me,  _ god please remember me, Connor please _

I hate it. I hate it I hate this I hate everything and everyone and those stupid fucking letters, I fucking hate it, it’s not fair. It’s not fair!! 

I think, most of all, I hate you, Connor. I hate you for every mean word you ever said to me while you were sharing pillow talk with Evan. I hate you for every bruise I got while he got a kiss. I hate you for being my brother, and I hate you for when you decided to stop being my brother. I hate you for pinning all your hopes on me (who the fuck needs that kind of pressure??? What the fuck, Connor??), I hate you for giving up, I hate you for making me be the one to find you, I hate you. And more than anything, I hate you for giving Evan the love that for whatever reason you stopped wanting to give to me. I should be glad that he made you happy, I know. But I’m not. You could have loved the both of us. But you chose him and then you left and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. 

I have to go, Evan’s coming over again soon and I hate how much I’m looking forward to it. I hate those fucking letters, but it’s all I have left of you.  _ He’s _ all I have left of you. And even that is unbalanced, ha. He’s got those letters, and he’s got my parents, he doesn’t even need me. Nobody does, obviously. But at least I can pretend, for one more night. And then one more, and then another until maybe someday I can let this, let you go. It hurts, hearing him read your letters and seeing you fall in love with him. I don’t think it’s supposed to, but it does. I’m just  _ so _ angry, but sometimes he’ll read and I’ll hear your voice in my head along with his, and I can see him the way you do. The way you did. I don’t like the way that makes me feel. It’s confusing. I don’t want to feel this way about someone you gave so willingly the one thing I was always so desperate for. 

Bye, Connor. I hope wherever you are things are simpler. 

Always yours,    
Zoe Murphy


End file.
